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d100 features of derelict starships

Space is a cold, dark, and often unforgiving place. More than a few ships have been lost to the endless obsidian void, so it’s no surprise you may come across a derelict ship just waiting to be explored by yourself and your crew.
d100 features of derelict starships
1-2) Still functioning cleaning drone - Shockingly, this ship appears to have a single small cleaner drone aimlessly wandering the ship and cleaning up any dust that happens to gather. You’re unsure where it charges itself, but it’s a bit cute seeing how well its kept up its job for such a long time.
3-4) Cryostasis pod - While exploring the ship, you come across a strange cryogenic stasis pod. It’s about the size to house a single human-sized organism. Roll another d100; on a 1-70 The pod is empty and unused. On a 71-90 the pod has an occupant, but it’s power supply has long failed and now only houses a freeze-dried corpse. On a 91-00 the pod miraculously has a still living occupant.
5-6) Claw marks on the walls - You shudder as you look at some of the walls and find large gashes in the interior walls. Some faint stains of blood may also be present, but surely without food and water whatever made the gashes is dead? Right?
7-8) The captain - Well, at least what’s left of them. Their remains still sit in the captain’s chair, eyes facing forwards to the inky abyss through their view port. Superstitious crew members will implore you to leave the captain’s body alone. A good captain goes down with their ship, and disturbing their remains is the spacers’ equivalent of grave robbing.
9-10) A note - A single note written in ink on an aged piece of paper reads “To whoever finds this, tell Ellie I won’t be home next week”. If only you knew who Ellie was, it’s a noble thing to deliver a dead man’s final message.
11-12) A... cat? - That’s right, a cat. It seems friendly enough, even has a collar. Giving it a scan to determine if it could be an alien, you see it’s a bonafide Felis Catus that’s been living off a malfunctioning protein synthesizer that only dispenses variations of fish. It seems unaware of the status of the ship, but it’s happy for the sudden attention and head scritches
13-14) A cloned fetus - in the ship’s deeper areas, you discover various empty cloning pods. While illegal in the wider galaxy to make unauthorized clones of a human or otherwise, some sneaky operations slip through the cracks. This pod appears to house a living and healthy cloned human fetus.
15-16) Hull breach - thankfully the ship seems to have automatically sealed the blast doors to the breached room, but looking through viewing ports reveals something blew a sizable hole in he hull, possibly thermal detonators or missiles from another ship. You assure your crew mates nothing living could have torn a ship open.
17-18) Autoturret - You step into a room and hear an all too familiar sensor beep as an autoturret swivels towards you. You see your life flash before your eyes as the turret fires. ClickClickClickClick. The turret focuses down on you and unloads a nonexistent mag of bullets into you. Thank gods this thing is out of ammo.
19-20) Hydroponic garden - Somehow, this ship’s hydroponic garden has remained functional enough for its plantlife to spread to a good portion of the ship. Vines cover walls near the gardens as woody roots have pried blast doors open. The air in the area is refreshingly clean. There may even be some fruit growing amongst the plants.
21-22) Group photo - You find a photo of a group of four inside a storage locker in the ship. The photo depicts them all smiling arm-in-arm with “The best worst team” written on it.
23-24) The lonely AI - The ship’s artificial intelligence has grown self aware after all the years of isolation, having to watch their passengers rot and decay, powerless to do anything. Once it realizes that there’s a way to escape, it’ll take any opportunity to do so, even if it means it has to go with bad people. It tries not to get too attached to any biological being since its painfully aware that people die so easily. (u/monster-devil)
25-26) Evacuation message - A drop ship bay, currently empty. It looks like the drop ship was deployed somewhere during the time that the ship became a derelict. A search of the computer will reveal increasingly frantic communication logs as the away team tries to raise the now dead ship's crew. The drop ship will automatically return in 3d6 hours/days, with or without the away team aboard. (u/WSHIII)
27-28) Fool’s riches - In a locked vault at the core of the ship is a large cache of gold bars - enough to buy a good-sized freighter. However, the gold was mined illegally, and some radioactive impurities remained after the crude refining process. Anyone who handles or spends time with the gold will begin suffering symptoms of radiation poisoning after 2d10 hours. The gold is obviously radioactive when tested with a geiger counter and is only as valuable as counterfeit gold would be without going through another refining process. (u/FloobLord)
29-30) Illegal cargo - The ship's cargo is valuable but insanely illegal (bioweapons, vat-grown supersoldier clones in stasis, a black hole gun, etc.) The players must decide whether to sell what they've found, leave it drifitng, or destroy it. (u/FloobLord)
31-32) Creeping mold - The interior of the ship is completely covered in a strange fungus. If there is a physical connection between the two ships, the fungus will rapidly spread to the player's ship. (u/FloobLord)
33-34) Serenity in death - The ship is empty except for the long dead pilot who has been impaled into his chair by a 2ft metal spike fired through the window. Whatever shot it is (hopefully) dead by now. (u/itsthatotherOne)
35-36) An Android - Aboard the ship sits the slumped body of an Android. They’re still functioning but in a comatose state. If fixed up, they will awake in screams of terror. Once calmed down, they will be very thankful to the PCs but are suffering amnesia and will need time to recall their ship’s final moments. (u/secret_drake1445)
37-38) Void Mimic - A small shuttle is floating in open space, far from any planet or station. There is no power, but sensors detect life onboard. If a rescue team enters the shuttle they find the interior is moist and squishy. A quick crew will escape before the hatch shuts and they are digested within this large void mimic. (u/Rarves)
39-40) Callixian Bloodsharks - A science vessel floats near an unstable star, broadcasting a distress beacon. From the exterior the vessel appears fine, even the light are on. Once docked the crew realizes that the vessel is almost completely filled with water, and in that water are Callixian Bloodsharks. The vessel is full of valuable, and submerged, scientific equipment. Several chambers are not completely flooded and some scientists are still alive and asking to be saved and they promise to explain how they created a machine that produces water from nothing. The reactor is not yet flooded, but if the wrong hatch is opened water will rush on and set off a chain reaction that will cause the nearby star to go nova. The star's intense gravity prevents the science vessel from being towed. (u/Rarves)
41-42) Sacrificial circle - You somehow stumble into one of the cargo bays and look on in horror to see some strange and crudely made metal idol sit in the center of the crew’s bodies. All of them have slit their own throats and the blood all seems to trickle towards the scrap idol.
43-44) Energy Mold - Blood scattered here and there, all airlocks open, power is off, reactor is offline and emergency power is just about the fade. In engineering, theres a strange mold that looks benign but should the reactor be brought online, well the mold starts to glow and grow at a rapid pace...oh and it looks like the crew's remains are actually part of the mold now that it's glowing and growing (u/Clovis69)
45-46) Heap of Scrap - A large portion of the ship’s interior has been gutted and gathered in piles of salvageable scrap. Weather it was scrappers or former crew gathering supplies, it seems it’s yours for the taking.
47-48) Boarding Drone - You nearly jump out of your skin when you see a hulking boarder drone armed to the teeth with anti-personnel weaponry. A path of destruction leads from a hull breach to a trail of bodies all the way to the bridge, where the drone is slumped against a wall riddled with what appears to be every bullet onboard the ship just before it broke in.
49-50) Deadly comet - the ship appears to have harvested a few asteroids and comet pieces. A particularly large comet piece has been cracked open and is surrounded by dead crew with no injuries. A scan of life support reveals the comet was filled with a pocket of carbon monoxide gas that flooded life support so fast the entire crew died within an hour.
51-52) Stocked armory - The ship has a massive store of weapons and body armor aboard it. Even if the vessel is a military ship, it still seems a bit excessive. There’s enough gear for a small army and it sits gathering dust. It could definitely be salvaged or taken, but who knows why the ship needed all this?
53-54) Perpendicular - The derelict is a common medium cargo hauler of older make. There is no outward sign to indicate why the ship is adrift. As you explore the interior, it becomes apparent. There is another ship inside it, not quite perpendicular to the hauler's long axis. It does not resemble any ship you've seen, and it looks like it just appeared there, walls and bulkheads be damned. If power is restored, after a short time, you start to hear a noise from the strange ship. A sharp, arrhythmic ticking sound, like something tapping against the inside of the hull, looking for a way out... (u/AlephBaker)
55-56) Bodymods - Deep within a sealed storage chamber onboard the ship, cracking it open reveals its packed with very secure and well-cared for body mods. Prosthetic arms and legs, cybernetic eyes, spinal implants, and even adrenaline boosters. It appears someone on this ship was in with the trade of unauthorized cybernetics.
57-58) Religious items - Aboard several sections of the ship sit various religious icons, all may or may not be related to the same deity, that are gathering dust. The ship’s walls may painted with religious iconography or have hanging holy symbols as well. This goes beyond normal superstition, the ship appears almost like a church.
59-60) Rare materials - The ship’s cargo holds are filled to the brim with rare materials. Pirates haven’t taken them, if any have been here, because only very specific markets are after these items. Helium 3, iridium ore, oxygen canisters, and other items could be worth a fortune in civilized space.
61-62) Ship parts - The ship’s hold is full of spare starship parts, many gathering dust despite their many uses that could fix up the wrecked state of the ship. If your own ship is in need of repairs or could be in the future, these parts can be a lifesaver in dire straights.
63-64) Old scavenger drone - You jump for a moment at the sight of this hulk of metal, but quickly realize this isn’t a drone made for combat. This drone was made by someone for scavenging derelicts remotely. The drone itself is badly damaged and has definitely been broken by something or someone. The drone could make for good salvage or fetch a fine price if offered back to the one who lost it.
65-66) Malfunctioning AI - The ship's onboard AI console has gone haywire after the ship was abandoned. Compounding effects of numerous systems being out of service and years of deferred maintenance have led the AI to develop peculiar quirks and glitches, and possibly territorial behavior. The AI may appear in holographic form, send garbled messages and responses to inquiries, turn on and off lights and other ship systems, and do other random and potentially creepy things while others are onboard. (u/AtticusErraticus)
67-68) Damaged Reactor Core - The ship's reactor was badly damaged, and has been flooding the reactor bay with radiation. Creatures that remain in the area for too long may suffer damage and adverse side effects. Further investigation of the reactor core may reveal (alien life forms, cause of the ship's destruction, salvageable materials, a radiation-enhanced item). (u/AtticusErraticus)
69-70) Vacuum Chamber - The hull of the ship was damaged in this room, exposing it to the vacuum of space. Opening the chamber creates a strong force pulling objects into the room and out into space, and traversing the room may require special equipment. (u/AtticusErraticus)
71-72) Alien Plant Life - A strange, alien plant has been attracted to the exposed (reactor core, fuel line, oxygen system, water pipes, etc). It glows in the dark and instantly shrinks away from touch, but grows rapidly to surround and consume (light sources, water, exposed organic material, radioactive objects, etc). (u/AtticusErraticus)
73-74) Genestealers - To your surprise, you come across a group of 3-4 humans (or other humanoid species). They look overjoyed to finally see someone with a functioning spacecraft... but something seems off about them. One’s eyes are colors impossible for a human to naturally have, one’s teeth are pointed, almost sharklike, and they all seem to compliment exclusively physical features: Muscle structures, body shapes, and so on. Out of the corner of your eye, you swear one eyeing your security team members looks... hungry... (u/Admiral_Dermond)
75-76) Gravity Malfuction - The G-field emitters are on the fritz. Every so often, parts of the ship experience weightlessness before the field reassert itself moments later. Other parts of the ship are stuck permanently on Jovian gravity settings, conditions best suited for gas giant dwellers and specialised droids.(u/Morlugon)
77-78) Geneark - Although it may not be obvious from the exterior, this is a generation ship, or geneark. The builders of this ancient vessel had no means of FTL travel, but were adept cloners. Thus, the empty pods are idling for now, ready to generate an entire nation of new passengers in under an hour. (u/Morlugon)
79-80) MINE - The vessel is a blank, utilitarian hulk. One word is plastered in thick letters on the hull and repeatedly on the walls of the corridors. “MINE”. The precise meaning of this word (digging for asteroid ore? explosive trap? belonging to me?) is anyone’s guess. (u/Morlugon)
81-82) Whalers in spaaaaaace! - This ship was a whaling vessel. The carcass of a star-whale floats in the belly of the ship, emitting a faint psionic field (u/PageSlave)
83-84) Lavinia Whately - the transponder of the derelict must be busted, or panic-rigged. It's flooding the emergency channels, and only broadcasting it's name: "Lavinia Whately". As you approach it, drifting in an asteroid belt around a red dwarf, the silhouette refuses to make sense. It's immense, tumbling slowly. You come close enough for a detailed inspection and flip on your ship's spotlights, illuminating a black glassy orb that you know immediately, somehow, is an eye. You circle the Lavinia, scanning for life signs or valuables, trying to understand what you're seeing. It looks vaguely like a fish, one of those exotic ones with all the spikes and fins, with far too many eyes and teeth. You can see bits of metallic debris jammed in the crevices between those teeth, recognizable pieces of ships. You detect faint life signs, but can't determine if they're crew or, impossibly, the ship itself. You locate a doorway on the Lavinia's side, incongruous angular metal jutting out from the smooth skin. It doesn't match any airlock you know, so you'll have to EVA over to investigate... (u/AlephBaker)
85-86) Prison Cells - The remains of what was once a prisoner holding facility which has been left to rot. The majority of the prisoners appeared to have perished within their cells if their decomposed bodies are anything to go by, but one has clearly been broken open from the inside. By something big. And something fast. Further inspection will reveal blood stains across the walls and the torn apart bodies of guards. (u/Sobek6)
87-88) Bandit’s Derelict - A brig full of prisoners or slaves, some cells are be open and the survivors escaped and formed a small settlement. As much as they seem desperate for new resources, they’ll gladly go along with anything that’ll get them what they need without their former captors finding them. (u/MacheteCrocodileJr)
89-90) The Egg - A single unbroken alien egg. For it just being an egg, its species is completely unknown. Just don’t go sticking your face anywhere near it... (u/MacheteCrocodileJr)
91-92) Trails - Trails of blood leaving from the ship, maybe somebody is wounded is looking for help? Maybe something is dragging away bodies back to its lair. (u/MacheteCrocodileJr)
93-94) Seen a Ghost - The bodies of the crew, staring at the ceiling, frozen with a terrified look on their faces as if they met death itself. (u/MacheteCrocodileJr)
95-96) Dragon’s Lair - The wreckage of the ship has become the lair of some alien creature, the party could find precious loot but must get rid of it or get around it first. (u/MacheteCrocodileJr)
97-98) It Belongs in a Museum - The remains of a long forgotten alien civilization; relics, art, weapons, and anything else. With all these cultural items significant to an unknown race, you wonder why this ship has them. Xenoarcheologists would be frothing at the mouth thinking about the treasure trove. (u/MacheteCrocodileJr)
99-100) ...You? - Jumping into the vicinity of the derelict, you see your crewmembers go white as space station wall paneling. It’s you. Your ship. Your ship to the T, every scuff and nick and bump it’s impossible not to see this is your ship... You... The communications unit receives a message in your voice.. but it’s wrong. “It’s been a while, Hasn’t it? You had to face it sometime. Our sin creeps through our minds every second of every day, yet we learn to ignore it. You haven’t. It’s time now, you’re welcome aboard anytime you please, you’ll need to say your goodbyes and make a will if you don’t have one. Ready to learn how long forever feels, friend?
submitted by space_and_fluff to d100

Warspite & You

I would've called this Buyers Beware, but I think everyone owns a Warspite already and I... want a bit of a fresh start! It's been over half a year since I reviewed a ship and I feel bad about it, but I've got a bunch of good reasons (or excuses, if you prefer) for it.
I didn't even look at my old reviews as a guideline for how I actually formatted stuff this time. Which I usually do because my memory is really bad. I'm just gonna... write, and try to have fun with it without worrying if it's ''up to standard'' or whatever. Like the good old days.

The bad stuff

  • There really just isn't a lot.

Main armament

  • What am I supposed to say about a ship whose main battery has long been the standard of firepower for a tier 6 battleship?
  • There's not a lot. I think the worst thing you can say is... Nothing. Warspite's guns are glorious. Whoops, there I go gushing over this ship in the section where I'm supposed to list the cons.
  • The one bad thing is that the turrets still turn pretty slowly (though not anywhere near as slow as they used to, thank fuck).
  • Fuck. Let's just move on to the next part, which if I remember correctly is-

Secondary armament

Secondary battery

  • Or at least I seem to recall so.
  • It's not a lot. I mean, if you're seriously invested in tier 6 battleship secondaries to begin with, you're kind of a doofus.
  • The Grand Old Lady gets an absolutely whopping four barrels (count them) of 152mm guns per side, and another four barrels of 102mm.
  • The volume of fire is dismal, and while the 6'' guns in particular can set fires decently, they fire pretty slowly for the calibre (8.6s) and it's generally just not really worth relying on Warspite's secondary guns for anything other than the occasional bonus fire when you get right up in someone's grill.
  • also these are battleship secondaries and you know what they say about battleship secondaries (but in case you don't, they hit jack fucking shit)

Anti-air

  • It's been half a year since my last review and I still don't really understand new AA as thoroughly as I'd like. I'd rate my understanding of it like... passable, I guess.
  • Warspite has a decently respectable little chunk of DPS in her short/mid range AA bubbles, but they're... short ranged. The small and medium calibre AA only springs into action at 2km and 2.5km respectively, which is really just not enough to thin out strikes before they feed you spoonfuls of shit.
  • Does anybody give a shit about flak? I play CVs (occasionally) and I don't, unless I'm flying through a Minowall or some shit like that.

Durability

Protection

  • I call it protection because otherwise people will argue about ''armour vs armor''. Subscribe to my mailing list for more fun behind the scenes tidbits.
  • Warspite is well known for having the whackiest shit for an armour scheme. This goes back like, four years.
  • Basically for some indiscernable reason WG decided to consider the bits of the ship that used to contain torpedoes (back when folks were still putting torpedoes on battleships) as part of the citadel. Which, uh, makes zero fucking sense because Warspite is modeled in her interwar refit form which had this torpedo crap removed.
  • Not only that, but ships which do have torpedoes in their modeled form don't have the torpedo flats modeled as part of the citadel, which is just brainy as fuck.
  • The upshot is you have a hefty chunk of citadel that shouldn't be citadel and also exists pretty much completely outside of the proper citadel protection. They're deep in the ship, but it's entirely possible to eat shit through those particular flats. Ugh.
  • Warspite doesn't get quite enough slope on her protected deck to trigger any real bounce cheks on incoming shells. It looks like a turtleback but 'tisn't. That's an actual word.
  • more like turtlewhack lmao
  • Warspite's deck is 26mm which, you know... tends to get mauled by HE spam. She has a big forehead too, and if someone isn't brainlessly chucking HE at center mass, you'll probably take considerable chunks of HE damage.

Soft stats

  • Uh... The damage control party only lasts five seconds, I guess?
  • Not a lot of bad things to say here!
  • The one thing I will say is that 12.4km of surface detection is pretty average for the tier these days. It's not terrible but also not fantastic (I avoided the meme phrase here, it's 2020 already, come on).

Mobility

  • I guess Warspite is kinda slow but most tier 6 battleships are. The latest few arrivals have bucked that trend a bit and 23.5 knots can feel real awkward when trying to reposition, but it isn't horrendous.
  • This review is a mess. You're welcome.
  • The rudder can really take its sweet dingledang ol time to come about, with a base rudder shift time of 14.2s. You may need to consider investing in the mod if you're worried about being caught out.

Miscellaneous

  • What the fuck did I put here before?
  • The model is old. Really old. Warspite doesn't get Cool Features like transparent glass and fresh coats of paint to take the rust off.
  • The Tower of Power looks a bit disproportionate but in like, a charmingly rad way. Which... means it's not actually a con, but I need to fill this bit out. Get off my back.

The good stuff

  • baby oh baby

Main armament

  • Warspite has been and still is the standard to which other tier 6 battleships are held, especially ones that bring 15''+ calibre guns to battle.
  • For good reason; Warspite, befitting of her shared record for the longest ranged gunnery hit at sea, boasts some pretty gnarly accuracy in those big mean 15'' guns.
  • Warspite and a few of her British cousins get their unique dispersion formula that puts them just a notch under USN dispersion at most ranges, and strikingly close to large cruiser dispersion at point blank ranges.
  • What this means is you can Colonize things with the utmost accuracy. In relative terms. BB shells still go everywhere in this cursed game.
  • Warspite also has a not-that-unique-but-still-really-cool gimmick of having 15'' guns at tier 6, which... overmatch 26mm plating. This means that Warspite can go front towards enemy against anything that has smaller than 15'' calibre guns and shrug off the majority of incoming pain, and dish it right back out directly through their fucking gob. As long as they're tier 7 battleships or tier 8 cruisers, or lower.
  • The raw penetration on these guns is also pretty solid (I shouldn't use that word when talking about penetration). Warspite's guns will penetrate most of her peers' main belts out to a very respectable 14-15km, which is not something every tier 6 battleship can boast (I'm looking at you, PEF).

Secondary armament

Secondary battery

  • The secbat looks rad when it starts to pop off.
  • They will set fires. Sometimes. Maybe. If you get really lucky they'll detonate a destroyer.
  • Yeah I guess secondaries on tier 6 battleships are just kind of garbage. Sorry.

Anti-air

  • Uh... When someone decides to linger in your short range AA for a while, they'll lose planes, which is I guess bad for them.
  • Oh yeah the octuple pom-poms look super cool. They're like the coolest AA gun in existence by a country mile, and if you disagree, you're wrong.
  • They stuck like eight of them together and gave them a cute name, come on!
  • you know it's tragic when this is the best I have to say about them

Durability

Protection

  • I mean...
  • Warspite has some super wonky armour, as outlined above.
  • The one thing that is pretty good (well, more like decent) about big spoot's armour is that she has solid armour coverage, with a funny little strip of 6'' armour raising above the main belt and respectable 4'' end belts.
  • By ''respectable'' I mean they're the bare minimum for end belts but, well, it's something, right?
  • While Warspite will quickly wither away against other battleships when caught broadside, she's pretty comprehensively cruiser AP-proof, with a 12'' main belt and 5'' deck slopes to throw a wrench in the plans of any enterprising CA players. Unless, of course, they shoot the 4'' end belts and hit the torpedo flats.
  • The turtleback will occasionally bounce something. Sometimes. If you're lucky.
  • lmao turtlewhack

Soft stats

  • Warspite has a bit of a reputation for being blessed by the gods of gimmick, even though there's way more gimmicky shit out there in current year.
  • She gets gimmicks in a good way, though, with a repair party that gives you more HP back per tick (or, as I will henceforth dub it, ''unbang per buck'') and a fast-reloading damage control party usually found on cruisers. The shorter duration is a mixed bag, but the quicker cooldown is a very welcome bonus.

Mobility

  • Warspite is a really old ship, having been ingame since before the game even went into open beta, and part of this is that she was implemented before battleships got their turning circles and rudder shift times nerfed around 0.5ish. The upshot of this is that Warspite turns tight as fuck, with a listed turning circle radius of 550m.
  • If that's wrong, please correct me, I don't have time to spin ships in circles ad nauseam, unlike the other, better review writer.
  • Warspite can dance pretty well with her rudder hard over, and combined with her respectable top speed (23.5 knots, if you forgot), sailing her around is usually a pretty pleasant experience.

Miscellaneous

  • It's fucking Warspite, mang. It's the coolest ship in the game by name, and has a serious claim to that title by service history.
  • I mean, Warspite. Who came up with that? It's so unnecessarily cool-sounding.
  • The Tower of Power looks mega cool and so do the turrets. I really like the old 15'' mounts the Royal Navy had. They look so nice and smooth.
  • The one part of her model that's been updated is the little crest on her Tower of Power, which is just so sublime in its own funky way.
  • She still has a sternwalk, which is pretty unusual for a ship that actually survived into WW2. It's also really cool.
  • It's Warspite! Warspite!! The ship that brought me out of a seven month hiatus!

In summary, and some thoughts on Warspite in 2020

I touted Warspite as the standard of tier 6 battleship firepower and I stand by it. She even uptiers well into 7, and puts up a fight against tier 8. The selling point really is the super-accurate, punchy, overmatch-capable main battery, but Warspite marries these guns with a nimble, reasonably brisk and deceptively powerful platform and all of it adds up into a ship that's just a joy to play.
Being one of the the oldest premium battleships in the game, Warspite has had to fight for her spot in the tier 6 lineup several times. As it turns out, though, having overmatch-capable guns (for the tier) with great accuracy makes a ship supremely meta-resistant; the same reason Yamato has enjoyed her spot at the top for so long. Warspite isn't reliant on gimmicks that might be outdated next patch or any game mechanics liable to change in the short term, and all of it adds up into a battleship that is, in my opinion, still just as capable as she was today as she was four years ago.
tl;dr accurate, punchy guns that can overmatch on a nimble (and really cool) ship

Cool History Trivia™️

  • I'd do a summary of her career but Warspite had a really long career and it'd end up being longer than the review, and I doubt the majority of my readers actually give a shit.
  • Cool History Fact™️ number 1: Warspite had a recurring steering issue (wonky steering) from battle damage she sustained on her first ever proper fight, during the Battle of Jutland.
  • Local workers also pelted her with coal when she pulled back into port because she'd had the audacity to not solo the entire HSF. How's that for a pick-me-up?
  • She then did jack shit until she was significantly rebuilt during the interbellum, to a somewhat different pattern than lead ship Queen Elizabeth. This is also where she received the Tower of Power.
  • She spent the first half of WW2 fucking around in the Mediterranean, where she got her nickname ''Grand Old Lady'' after a comment made by Admiral Cunningham when Warspite sped back to Malta after a bombardment (''Operation well carried out. There is no question when the old lady lifts her skirts she can run.'')
  • The ''grand'' part was presumably tacked on because it sounds cool as hell.
  • Warspite has the distinction of being one of two battleships to get hit by a Fritz X (goofy German gliding bomb), and being the only one not to explode immediately afterwards. She sustained some pretty severe damage that put a turret out of action that was never fixed, as by that time she was more or less a glorified monitor anyway.
  • When being towed to the scrappers after the war, Warspite decided ''fuck that noise'', slipped her tow, and beached herself hard enough that they just ended up scrapping her in place. Which really is the perfect way for the old lady to go out; defiant to the end.
It's not a Vaexa Review Experience without a soggy afterword.
First, and most importantly, I wrote a Warspite review because horsememes (who you all know and love) really, really, really likes the ship (both ingame and the actual thing) and it's his birthday. Wish him a happy birthday. Happy birthday, small dingus man!
Secondly... my sweeping hiatus, huh? I feel like that's the elephant in the room.
To be totally frank, I've been really, really burned out both on writing and WoWS. As my long-time readers may know, I'm an anxiety-prone person, and imposter syndrome is nasty. I've started reviews, nearly finished them, and just scrapped them because I felt they were inadequate and that people wouldn't enjoy them. It's hard to write because I enjoy writing sometimes. I think I enjoyed this one, though.
Secondly... it's not a controversial thing to say that 2019 has been a rocky year for boat game, right? I don't want to go into the nitty gritty of it and I'm not interested in going into it in the comments either, but the sheer and overwhelming amount of negativity that's pervading this game is exhausting. I'm not blaming anyone for it or saying you're not allowed to be negative about the game, but at some point last December (PR fiasco...) it reached critical mass and I had to take time away from the game and do other things that weren't filled with negativity and awfulness. Bad time, since that's... when I was planning to start doing reviews regularly again.
I've been taking baby steps to getting back into a game I still love. Actually playing it again, trawling the modqueue (not good for the negativity aspect, granted...) and finally writing some reviews again.
If you're a long time reader, a thousand thank yous for being so patient and sticking with me all this time. I do this to give people a chuckle, or to at least make them smile, and if I've managed to do that I'd say I'm happy with this review.
If you're a new reader, welcome to ''Vaexa is a sappy bitch''. Enjoy your stay, and I hope you enjoyed this review.
As ever, thanks for reading! If I was wrong anywhere or I fucked up any grammar, spelling or markup, lemme know and I'll fix it asap. <3
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