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Basketball is Dead
Inspired by the Death of Basketball by Jon Bois
For those unfamiliar with the premise, the Death of Basketball asks: what if only terrible players were drafted into the league? Meaning the only actually good players are the ones who already exist at game start. In our case, that means that every single drafted player will only have one star potential.
The first batch of one stars players (OSPs) are brought into the league, but it doesn't matter much to the quality of the league, as teams mainly sign better free agents and ignore this lowly class of rookies. Anthony Bridges wins the MVP, Tshaka Zoulou the DPOY. Boston Charms win the finals in a close seven games against the San Diego Surf, with Bridges also winning the FMVP.
Once again, the OSPs don't harm the league all that much. Anthony Bridges wins the MVP and FMVP yet again, Eddie Dale the DPOY, and the Charms beat the Surf again, this time in 6 games.
By season three, the OSPs still have little effect on the league overall. There's a few unsigned better players, so the league isn't totally bust. Anthony Bridges repeats his MVP award, Tshaka Zoulou doubles his DPOY awards, but this time the SD Surf win in seven games, with Shoffner winning the FMVP. But danger is on the horizon: the first retirement by much beloved Koality Game.
See: season one. MVP + FMVP Bridges, DPOY Zoulou,, but this time it's Boston in 6. OSPs still have little effect.
The Bridges streak is broken! Shoffner wins MVP, and Darth Jor-El wins DPOY! Bridges, unhappy with this turn of events, blows out SD in the 6th game of the finals by 20, giving him yet another FMVP. However, Joseph Canny has now retired, and soon more will follow. Teams at this stage now struggle to retain their star and even role players, and many struggle to keep themselves under the salary cap.
Shoffner wins MVP again, as does Jor-El with the DPOY! Enraged, Boston sweeps the Surf in the finals and Just Jaos gets FMVP. No retirements this year, but the FA list has started to become cluttered with OSPs.
Just Jaos gets his first MVP, and Jor-El wins yet another DPOY. Boston and San Diego continue to top their conferences, as they have done every year, but what's this: Chicago shocks Boston and advances to the finals! But then they're beaten by SD in a quick five games and Dale wins the FMVP.
Still a few unsigned non-OSPs, they're not degrading the quality of the league too badly- yet. Carl Joesph wins MVP, Jor-El with another DPOY, and in this case, offense proves itself to be better than defense as Joseph's NY sweeps Jor-El's SF in the finals and Joseph wins the FMVP.
At this point, my FA list had become cluttered with OSPs, so I disabled the draft for the next few seasons. Soon, teams will be forced to sign them out of desperation. Soon.
Jor-El is furious and plays up a storm on court, winning both the MVP and DPOY this season, but the rest of the quakes can't compete as the SD Surf win the WCF and then the finals, and Shoffner wins another FMVP.
San Diego continues to dominate this season. Their old rivals, the Boston Charms, are no longer anywhere near competing or qualifying for the playoffs, and usually hover the middle of the Eastern Conference, but never good enough to qualify. Joey Bas of the surf takes MVP this year, but Jor-El retains "his" DPOY award. Joey Bas takes FMVP as the Surf sweep the Blues.
And the surf aren't the only ones flooding the league: Season eleven begins a wave of retirements. Tyrone Jackson, Anthony Bridges, Scottie Thompson, and Aaron Fiedelak all announce retirement, and many more plan to retire the next season. Bridges is inducted into the HOF with 5 rings, four FMVPs, four MVPs, and two scoring titles. We will likely never see another player of his shooting abilities ever again.
Surf dominance continues. Bas wins MVP again and Dale knocks Jor-El off his DPOY throne. Once again, SD win the finals against the Blues in six, and Shoffner wins the FMVP. At the conclusion of the season, droves of players retire, among them Sebastien Trident, Jose Mendes, and Kwanzy Iceberg. Iceberg and Zouolou are admitted to the HOF, neither as decorated as Bridges, but still good.
By this point, the OSP have swarmed all the opening positions on the team as teams are forced to sign somebody to show up in a uniform on game day. Boston starts OSP Noah Williams, Chicago gives minutes to OSP Darius Carter, and reigning champs San Diego Surf now have to play OSP Wesley Holiday as their starting SG, despite him being unable to shoot.
Darth Jor-El, with a five star ranking, returns to the end-of-season awards. He takes MVP and Randall Ta of the Charms takes DPOY. San Francisco win their first finals and Samuel James is named the FMVP. Players continue to retire.
Boston returns to the finals! But in the end, they're swept by James and the Quakes. Also I forgot to record who won the player awards this year, but we can probably assume Darth Jor-El was one of them. OSPs grow to become an even large part of the roster as players continue to retire. Kyle Mason, a relatively poor player who didn't really ever amount to anything in his career, makes it to the HOF with 2 rings and an assists title. Because that's all it takes now, apparently. Eddie Dale and Jaga C, two more decorated players, also make it to the HOF, and Dale himself has won seven rings, among other awards. The HOF now has seven players: Dale, Bridges, Brown, Iceberg, Mason, Zoulou, and C.
Darth Jor-El once again wins the MVP and the DPOY, but he can't carry SF in the finals, and they lose to Chicago in six, with Rajah Rose winning the FMVP. More players retire.
At this point, OSPs make up the majority of rosters. The only good players remaining in the league are rare, old men with cheap contracts and little desire left to play. The salary cap issue has been solved, as teams no longer have to pay large contracts for good players. The most expensive team is the Miami Tides with a whopping $54.4 m in contracts, fielding the ancient talents of Javuan Hicks, Felipe Santos, Lamarr Chambers, Jay Da God, Zach Vega, and Ryan Calleryway. A huge wave of players retire, including a handful of OSPs. One-time champ Cedric Hardwicke is admitted into the HOF, expanding the HOF to eight players. Shoffner announces his upcoming retirement.
Jor-El wins the MVP, DPOY, and FMVP as SF win the series in five against the Blues. In fear of Jor-El's powers, a mass wave of ancient players retire, leaving the league to Jor-El's power and a bunch of helpless OSPs. The Captain and Thomas Shoffner are admitted to the HOF, with Shoffner averaging an impressive 20.3 PPG throughout his entire career.
MVP: Jor-El, DPOY: Jor-El, FMVP: Jor-El. Quakes in four. Jor-El only shows minor signs of regression, slipping to 4.5 stars. The OSPs and the few remaining originals are still no match for him.
Jor-El takes the end-of-season awards, but can't lead his team to victory in even the WCF. Miami beats the LA Stars in four, with Zach Vega winning his first FMVP. Jor-El swears revenge.
"The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be... unnatural"
-Darth Jor-El, upon the dawn of the age of Darth Jor-El
We have now entered Darth Jor-El's world. There's nothing else beyond this point besides Darth Jor-El and a bunch of OSPs.
The draft reopens and a flood of OSP join the league as the league ran out of FAs last season. No matter, Jor-El grabs every award again, along with the FMVP as the Quakes beat the Blues in a close seven games. Jor-El's statline for the season ends with a 23.7 PPG, 28.5 RPG, 3.3 APG, 2.5 SPG, and 2.0 BPG.
JOR-EL JOR-EL JOR-EL JOR-EL
QUAKES IN FOUR
Quakes in Four, Jor-El wins it all, again. He doesn't even have to score anymore. His season statline is 3.6 PPG, 27.2 RPB, 0.8 APG, 1.3 SPG, and 1.2 BPG. He just grabs every single ball he sees and doesn't even score with it and still dominates the game against the OSPs. It's total bullshit.
Season Twenty One
Inexplicably, Jor-El refuses to re-sign with SF, despite the team having over $75 m in free cap space. Why did he do this? Was he getting tired of SF? Did he want more money than $75m per year? Just wanted to prove that he could win with a different team? Mayeb he wanted to score more points this season?
Whatever his reason, he wins it all. Again. Boston sweep their old rival, the Surf, in the finals.
Season Twenty Two
At this point, LA, STL, and SF are the only teams left with a single non-OSP player. Darth Jor-El returns to SF, prompting a month of celebration for the city as the world's best basketball player returns home, with a two-star rating at this point. A little south, Daws 20 struggles to lead his OSP teammates despite his many years of basketball experience. At this point, he has regressed so far that he is also a one star ranking player. Further east, Yeetus Mcgeetus has similar struggles with the St Louis Archers and his own one star ranking.
Oh and by the way, Darth Jor-El wins it all, again. Quakes in four.
Season Twenty Two
We have reached the death of basketball. Yeetus Mcgeetus, Daws 20, and Darth Jor-El have all retired, leaving us with a league of OSPs.
Yeetus was a solid center for the archers, averaging 8.7 PPG over his 810 games. His 52 point game will always be remembered.
20 was less impressive, with a worse statline over his 854 games in the league. Still, his veteran presence will be missed in the Stars locker room.
Finally, we come to Darth Jor-El. In his 938 games for both San Francisco and Boston, Darth Jor averaged 10.3 PPG, shot 52.8% FG, 17.8 RPG, 2.1 APG, 1.3 SPG, 1.3 BPG, 1.1 TPG. He has nine rings, seven FMVP, 11 eleven MVP titles, fifteen DPOY titles, 1 scoring champ award, seventeen rebound titles, and five block leader awards. He finished his career with a one and a half-star ranking, but still towered over his opponents in terms of skill.
Controversially, the HOF did NOT allow Darth Jor-El in. Pointing out that Jor-El put up "only empty stats" against "Milkmen and mailmen" playing on the court, the HOF committee refuses to let Darth Jor-El in, and the other ten players in the HOF give a sigh of relief as they now won't all look so pathetic compared to Darth "the destroyer" Jor-El.
Jor-El also broke so many records, such as: most points in a single game (64), most FG in a single game (32), most rebounds in a single game (47), most rebounds of all time (16666), and most blocks of all time (1226).
"This is outrageous! It's unfair! How can you be on the the best player for a decade and not be a HOFer?!"
- Darth Jor-El
So what's next? How will the games featuring swarms of OSPs play out? Will games go scoreless as nobody hits a basket?
Unfortunately, the league didn't become "so bad that it's good." The simulated games have pretty normal, if slightly lower scoring games. There weren't any crazy bad games. and the players put up some normal-looking stats for the end of the season. I decided to watch the final game of the season, in which Portland won the sixth game against the Charms, 26-16. Low scoring, but not exactly too crazy.
And that's the death of basketball. A bunch of OSPs playing slightly shittier basketball than before while Darth Jor-El schemes his revenge against the HOF committee, far away on his home planet.
TLDR: Teams hold off on signing the OSPs for as long as they can while Boston and San Diego dominate the league. As the players begin to retire, Darth El-Jor emerges from the chaos and builds a basketball empire in the ruins of the Hoop League.
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