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R-Virus: A Reddit Novel - Part 27 (xpost from /r/rvirus)

Author's Note: This is part 27 of the ongoing Reddit Novel, R-Virus. Parts 1-26 are at /rvirus[1]. If you haven't read the others, DO NOT START HERE. Start at Part 1.
R-Virus © Ryan Smith
“Our Lord, who art at Valve, GabeN be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, in homes as it is at Valve.
Give us Lord our Daily Deal, and forgive us for our scams as we forgive those who scam against us.
And lead us not into console peasantry, but deliver us from Origin.
For thine is the Steamdom, the Gear, and the Engine, forever and ever, in Freeman's name I pray,
-kyranmat, The Lord’s Prayer
“Okay, Patton, let’s see it,” says Laina.
I’m not sure what she’s talking about, and from the looks of James and Sarah, leaning on the conference table, neither do they. “See what?” says Sarah.
“Our secret weapon,” says Laina. “The reason the r&p’s were after you.”
Patton reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, black and white composition notebook and lays it on the table. It’s battered all to hell and the spine is barely holding together. “This is the book my brother was carrying on him when he found the first four caches. He kept some notes on his progress.”
“This is the sort of thing the enemy is looking for,” says Grace. “It’s the reason they were just as keen as we were to find your hideout.”
“How reliable are these notes going to be,” I say, “considering -- no offense Patton -- but the only consistent part of Apostolate’s character when people talk about him is that he was at least partially insane.”
“Good point,” says Dad.
Patton looks a little uncomfortable and leafs through the book. “I’m not going to pretend that my brother was 100% there, especially later. Parts of the journal are… very difficult to dissect. But it does give us one thing for sure.”
“Oh yeah,” says James. “What’s that?”
Patton flips open the book and stamps a finger down on the page. We lean over the table to look. Scribbled on the page below a paragraph of stream-of-consciousness brainstorming is a list of cities, each one crossed out.
Bisbee, AZ
Savannah, GA
Story, IN
Burkittsville, MD
And at the bottom, the words, large and thick, as if the writer repeated every stroke of the pen at least three times -

1 Bennett, North Carolina.

“North Carolina?” says Sarah. “What’s there?”
“The first cache,” says Grace.
“But why there?”
“I don’t know,” says Laina, “but we’re about to find out.”
Rastovali, Cen, and Sieth meet me in a bar called The Gaming GabeN in /steam, one of the few subreddits we all subscribe to. It’s not the type of place I used to like in old world - dark, prohibition-era, brickwalled speakeasies where you can get a whiskey, read a book, and not be bothered by people trying to talk to you1.
It’s essentially an internet cafe that you can drink at. There are a few people at the bar too, but most of the patrons are on the Rent-A-Rigs, playing games, surfing the Front page, or logged into chat rooms. In a way, the reduction of the social scene shouldn’t surprise me. A bunch of nerds getting liquored up so they can chat with G.I.R.L.s2 through the anonymous prophylactic of the computer screen. This is a bar now. This is a bar.
If you can stomach the ’s from /GabeN walking door to door with pamphlets, or harassing you on the streets for a moment to talk about the Lord Gabe Newell, /steam is actually pretty awesome. For one thing, the four of us hadn’t actually played co-op anything in over a week, and a few rounds of Pay Day 2 and Dota were just the distraction I needed after the stress of the road, though I felt I could easily spend a week in Azeroth before wanting to do anything remotely productive.
Afterward, we found a table in the corner. I hadn’t seen Daamun or Cen in a couple years, since I went to San Francisco for work and stayed over on vacation, and I had never actually met Rastovali in person at all.
They all sat and listened while I recounted everything between the moment I last spoke to Rastovali to the moment I left the /allguardians headquarters, excluding only a few things about Sarah. Then they were silent.
Daamun leans back into the red padding of the bench and takes a drink of Jameson and Ginger Ale. He’s persian, with short, dark hair, black-framed glasses, and speaks to me now in a kind of jealous monotone. “You’re telling me that you’ve just spent the last week or so with Laina, the Overly Attached Girlfriend.”
“And now you’re staying in her super shiny awesomepants apartment and she gets you everything you possibly want.”
“Well, she doesn’t. The staff do.”
“And all you have to do is help her figure out a treasure hunt.”
“Pretty much.”
“And you’re complaining about it?”
“Uh, I guess so.”
“Lucky. Bastard.”
Cen leans over his beer, leering at me through slits, head dropped with his signature slouch. “They’ve got us crammed into an apartment in /malelivingspace. We’ve barely got enough room for our computers. We’ve got both desks right up against each other.”
“You guys are living together? It’s about time. I was wondering when you two were going to break through all the sexual tension.” I wink at Daamun.
“Daamun isn’t really my type,” says Cen.
“Awww, it’s okay, Cen,” says Rastovali. “I’m sure there’s an /bears or something for you.”
“That’s the animals. Or the sports team,” says Daamun.
“The subreddit you mean to suggest is /gaybears,” says Cen, grinning. “And I have already found that one.”
“And trust me, he doesn’t need any more help finding guys. I have to share an apartment with him.” He shivers and shakes his head then throws back another mouthful of his drink.
“We agreed that if either of us have overnight guests, the other can put in some ear buds,” says Cen. “I’ll do it for you when you bring a girl back.”
“Easier said than done,” says Daamun. “For you, pretty much everyone around you are guys and we all live here and pretty much anybody that was in the closet doesn’t have to worry about their family finding out because they’re all dead. It’s like a freaking buffet or something for you. But for me it was hard enough getting a girl in the first place and now it’s like… an anti-buffet.”
“An anti-buffet?” says Rastovali.
I say, “It’s like a buffet for all of us, except that Cen and the girls are the customers, and we are the food.”
“And not even good food,” says Rastovali. “We’re like, the burned up pizza that’s been out for a couple hours but they won’t bring a new one out until somebody finishes the old one.”
“Speak for yourself,” I say. “My game is at least on a chicken and broccoli level.”
“I still like my anti-buffet analogy better,” says Daamun.
“Um, actually, that wasn’t an analogy, it was a metaphor,” says Cen.
“Whatever! You get my point. Here, Z and Rasto.” Daamun pulls a couple i.d. badges from his pocket and slides them to us. It’s legit, just like Laina’s.
“That was fast. I thought they usually take a week to do these.”
“They normally do,” says Daamun. “But I know a guy.”
He’s the guy,” says Cen. “He contracts for /allguardians making propaganda videos for the big screen.” This makes sense, considering Daamun worked for Apple before the virus, did some phenomenal 3D and video work for our youtube channel, and had more money or success than I expected to find.
“Why do you always have to correct every little thing that I say? I never got to say ‘I know a guy’ before and it sounds way cooler. And they’re not propaganda. They’re motivational.”
“Aaaaanyway,” says Rasto. “This ultrapost. You think it’s real?”
“I don’t know.”
“I don’t think it’s real. Sounds like bullshit to me.”
Cen says, “Well we know it isn’t real in that there is no such thing as the ultrapost. But it could still be important.”
He takes out his phone, and after a moment, lays it out in the center of the table. Displayed is the first riddle in The Five Labors.
You first clue, Stranger
Waits in a town filled with danger
You must seek no rest
To pass the test
Set by your cache’s exchanger
“What in Satan’s asshole is that supposed to mean?” says Rasto.
“A town filled with danger,” says Cen. “Well that narrows it down. That could be pretty much anywhere.”
“We already know it’s not anywhere,” says Daamun. “It’s in Bennett.”
Keep your voice down,” I hiss. “I’m bringing this to you guys for help, not to let the r&p’s know.”
“I’ve driven past there,” says Cen, who grew up 40 minutes outside of Raleigh.3 “It didn’t seem that bad.”
“Yeah, well, I’m sure it’s bad enough now. ‘Seek no rest to pass the test set by your cache’s exchanger.’ So, what, I have to be really tired to do this?”
“A test,” says Daamun. “It doesn’t say what kind of test though. Maybe you just have to stay awake longer than somebody else. Be sure to pack lots of coffee.”
“I’m taking lots of coffee anyway. I’ve gone without creature comforts as long as I care to.”
Cen leans back, looks up at the ceiling, immediately lost in thought. “Bennett,” he says. “Bennett. Why is that sticking in my mind?”
“Because you grew up by it?” says Rasto.
“No, it’s not that. There’s something else.”
“Filled with danger. Z, are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be doing this thing?”
“Oh it’s definitely not a good idea, but I’m going anyway. Besides, nobody said that I have to take any test. I think they’re just bringing me along as, like, a consultant.”
“Plus you’ll have the OAG with you,” says Rasto. “Lucky bastard.”
“When do you head out?” says Daamun.
“Bennett. Bennett,” says Cen in a low murmur.
“Well then,” says Rasto, tipping back the last of his beer. “I suggest we make the most of the time we’ve got. Pick a game, Z.”
“We’ve arranged for a couple soldiers to escort you to Bennett,” says Grace. “For protection purposes only. They’re both in the upper 300Ks, so you’ll be well guarded. They don’t know much about the mission, just that they’re to keep you out of harm’s way. You’ve also got clearance to take two of the trucks you brought over, so it shouldn’t be too bad of a trip.”
“Well isn’t that kind of you,” says Patton. “Letting us use our own trucks.”
We’re in Snoo Square, as Grace walks us to the gates in the warm morning sunlight, while the vendors set up their tables for the day, the smell of bacon wafting from JoeTheFoodGuy’s grill, and the first few neckbeards make their way out of their caves for a first pick through the merchandise.
We’re loaded up like mountain climbers, with huge packs stuffed with provisions, necessities, and luxuries. A hand-crank charger for the new phones Grace had requisitioned for all five of us, sleeping bags, firestarting equipment, a tent large enough for all of us to squeeze into if necessary, and lots and lots of toilet paper. I also decided to bring along a bag of coffee grounds, the rest of the bottle of Johnny Walker, and several packs of cigarettes.
Already, I can feel the strain of the weight and hope we won’t spend much of our time actually carrying this crap. Laina seems unfazed, however, and smiles, walking casually despite carrying twice the gear that I’m lugging. She’s exchanged her old clothes for jeans, a white v-neck, boots, and a light tan jacket. I decided to stick with an off-white henley, my tried and true jeans, and Simon’s field jacket. As always, the handle of my Louisville slugger sticks out of the corner of my pack, ready.
The trucks are out front when we arrive, already running, with two soldiers standing at attention next to them. Their names are Doles and Rees, and in their uniforms and berets with m-16s slung across their backs and machetes sheathed on their belts, they look extremely over-prepared to guard us.
“Are you ready?” says Sarah.
“As I’ll ever be,” I say with a sigh.
She smiles, “Got used to the creature comforts too, huh?”
“The importance of hot water is severely, severely underestimated.”
On the big screen, /relationships is playing an episode titled “My Husband is a Shitlord4.” A bewildered looking neckbeard is being interrogated by his wife and says, “Look, all I said is that most of the overly politically correct crowd never actually has a deep relationship with someone of another race. That’s it.”
Immediately several audience members stand up and start yelling at the stage while the host rushes over with the microphone.
“Oh, so several of my friends are just figments of my imagination?”
“Oh yeah? So my black husband doesn’t actually exist, huh?”
“Oh, so apparently my biracial daughter is only half real, is she?”
“Oh I see, so my transracial surgery means that I no longer exist, huh?”
I lean over to Sarah. “I can’t decide if I should point out that they are misrepresenting his argument, or if I should point out that they just self-identified as the ‘overly politically correct crowd.’”
She starts to laugh hard, with her eyes scrunched tightly shut and bending over as she used to and snorts accidentally, covering her mouth with one hand and peering up at me. A silver chain drifts out from under her shirt, fine and thin, leading down to a small, heart-shaped locket.
She notices that I see it, and quickly tucks it back under her shirt. James walks over while she collects herself. “You gonna be okay, Easy?”
“Yes, yes, fine,” she says, putting a hand on his good arm, not looking at me any more.
“All right, kids, let’s load up,” says Patton.
Laina and I hop in with Doles, and Patton, James, and Sarah hop in with Rees, and we pull out and onto the road.
1 Yes, Z has been called a hipster many times, and has long since given up contesting it.
2 G.I.R.L = Guy. In. Real. Life.
3 Years ago, when Daamun, Cen, and Z finally arranged to meet after spending most of their free time in the World of Warcraft together for their teenage years, they did it at Cen’s house in Apex, North Carolina. Z, who moved a grand total of 13 times before taking off to college, experienced a bizarrely quick kinship with Cen’s family, as did Daamun.
The house itself was beautiful and comfortable, lived-in, broken-in. It seemed to him then, as it does now in his memory, as the perfect place to spend one’s childhood. By the end of the week, Cen’s mother was referring to both Z and Daamun as “son” with more warmth and sincerity than he had ever heard from his own mother in 20 long years.
a term popularized by members or /shitredditsays to describe a misogynistic, racist, or otherwise offending individual who violates the values of the SRSters: My fiance asked for a separation just because I observed that his recently deceased father’s poster of a motorcycle with a scantily clad woman made him a shitlord.
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